so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I have feelings that need drinking.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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