This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
