i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
