remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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