My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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