we're chasing vodka with high fives
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You need a sexual gate keeper
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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