The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
