dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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