nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
