Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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