u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
