He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
