Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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