As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
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All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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