How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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