somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need to calm my uterus...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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