Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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