I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
