Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
