Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
These 19 Men’s Fashion Mistakes are Unforgivable, According to Women
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??