so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
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It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.