i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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