So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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