i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
