In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
