So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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