My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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