That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
