I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
