break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
