I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
