I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
