Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
