dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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