My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
