i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
