I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
