My Higher Power is John Stamos
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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