actually, I'm a sock model
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
