That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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