My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
