I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
