You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
