Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
