2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
