Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
