if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
