Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
