2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
