Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
