my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
