when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
