Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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