dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
