I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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