Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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