Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
