I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
