He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
