You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
