U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
